clarifications

It seems that many people so far have been reading these little travel journals I’ve been keeping, which is marvelous. However, some questions seem to keep coming up from my readers, so I’ve decided I should address them.

First, I must say that I am shocked- shocked!- that so many of you have expressed disbelief that I could be a diplomat. Okay, okay, I must admit that it’s unlikely, and that I didn’t really arrive here on my own steam. Technically, I’m not REALLY a diplomat. I’m sure many of you will breathe a sigh of relief. Now, since I am here in an official capacity, that’s what they call me, mostly for lack of a better term. But it’s not really what I do. I’m not actually negotiating peace contracts or anything. I’m merely a diplomat in the sense of representing America fairly, so when I chat with people and they find out I’m an American, that they don’t walk away thinking “boy, Americans are stupid,” or “boy, Americans are rude,” or “boy, Americans really need to floss better.” It’s sort of like being on orchestra or choir tour. As Dean would remind us, we need to Be On Our Best Behavior because, whether performing or just eating lunch, we are Representing Our School.

Second- in one of my first blogs, I mentioned the fact that we were having problems accessing our money. Many people have since wondered if we are starving to death now or what. Rest assured- we have been able to get to our cash. After a long discussion with our bank, it became clear that they don’t trust foreign ATMS with debit cards- but they do with credit cards, presumably because it’s easier to trace fraud problems on a credit card than replace all the cash in your account if someone wipes your ATM card clean. So, we have essentially been using our credit card as an ATM card, which the bank allows us to do without any extra fees or anything. Which, sure, is kind of a pain- but hey, I think we earn points this way, and it’s not like we want to try to switch banks from over here, so it works.

Third- there have been a lot of death threats to my shoes. Naturally, I appreciate the concern for my feet, but I feel that I should come to the defense of my shoes, which have gotten a bad rap. Everyone seems to think that I was traipsing about in 6” stilettos or something. While this would help me blend in more with the locals, believe me, it’s not the case. Those who know me well know that I am not the type to put up with uncomfortable footwear. Unfortunately, this means that after years of wearing only tennis shoes, I have no calluses or stamina. You’ll recall that the day I got lost and mutilated my feet, I was on my way to meet a co-worker and attend a concert, so I had to look nice. Thus, I was forced out of the tennis shoes. I chose what I thought was the next best thing: ballet flats. No heels, cushy insole- not bad, right? Well… mistake no. 1- wearing them without socks. Which could not be avoided. I currently don’t have any pantyhose. They won’t arrive until August. I didn’t predict needing them in summer. Mistake no. 2- since my Russian is still pretty crappy, the band-aids I had were for sensitive skin, and therefore didn’t hold very well. Hence, they came off after a block. Mistake no. 3- well, being a moron and forgetting my map. All of these add up to a simple fact: Leather + Bare Feet + Sweat + Walking for an hour and a half= Blisters. This would happen in ANY pair of shoes. In fact, it probably would have been WORSE in any other pair of shoes. At least, any pair of shoes that would look respectable with a skirt and cardigan. Basically, though, living in this city requires a LOT of walking. Especially since our car hasn’t arrived yet. In the days after getting lost and mangling my feet, I wore flip-flops everywhere, and even THOSE gave me blisters. (I would have worn my trusty tennis shoes, but my feet were too swollen to fit into them.) Anyway, fear not for the health of my toes. I got some Epsom salts to soak them in, some sturdier band-aids, and some sort of ointment that was the closest the people at the pharmacy could come to my pathetic translation of Neosporin. All are getting my feet on the fast track to health. Besides, soon we’ll be living closer to work, I’m building up a tolerance, and if we really have to walk somewhere far, believe me, I’ll be wearing tennis shoes and then stashing them in my purse before we arrive. So please, stop hatin’ on the shoes.

Last, but not least, I’ve had requests for examples of the Russian equivalent of Engrish or Spanglish or whatever you want to call it. Actually, I’ve coined a term for the Russian equivalent: “Englishky.” It’s hard to transfer into a blog, though, unless you know how to read Cyrillic. Most of the time it’s not that it’s necessarily bad English… it’s just that it’s really funny to carefully sound out something in Russian and then suddenly realize that it’s an English word. For example… a few blocks from us is a sign that reads:



So the first time I saw it, I stood there, carefully saying to myself, ”Ahhhh..oooo... d… eeeeeeee….ooooooooo…. Oh. Audio Video!” At which point I notice the big “JVC” sign next to it. Duh. Or, another favorite, one of the many gambling places with this sign:



”D...jjjjjjjjjj....aaaaaaaa....k.. p...oooooooooo... Oh! Jackpot!” Ha!

Really, this is great fun- it’s like learning to read all over again. Remember when you were a little kid, and you’d just learned how to read, and it was like every sign was magic? That’s what it’s like, especially when it turns out to be a word you actually know. Bonus fun is had from saying the words in a thick Russian accent once you’ve figured them out. “Mahk Dahnahldz! Beeg Taystee! Da!”

Unfortunately, as I’ve stated above, it’s hard to translate this goofiness into a blog, except for my few readers who know Cyrillic. On the rare occasion, though, that I find actual English that has been translated from Russian, I’ll pass it on. I did get a little gem the other day- the Mariinsky Theater website (www.mariinsky.spb.ru) has some pretty funny English translation. For example, when I registered on their site so I could buy tickets, I was greeted with this message:

“We congratulate you! You was successfully registered in our system. After an input in system, you can pass in section ‘Tickets’ and to create the order.”

Hee hee! Of course, I can only imagine what I sound like when I try to buy band-aids in Russian…